This is what I say to myself often. I use positive affirmations to keep me balanced and focused. This is one of my self-help tools to keep me going. When I was 14 years old staying in a public park, all alone…I learned how to be my own mother. I rely on myself for my successes. In the environment that I was living, there was not one big person that I could go to…who I could look up to. I was giving advice to the big people. So I turned to our Heavenly Father. If we were created by a God then God could help me and tell me what to do. I was an extremely good child in a bad environment. I prayed daily and many times each day to God. I would walk from place to place having discussions in my head with God. I told God that it was too hard to exist and live in this world. I wanted to commit suicide but knew it was wrong!
I was constantly reminding God of all the good things I had been doing. I never stole, lied, cussed or talked badly to my parents. I was kind to people and saved animals. At school all the kids looked up to me. I remember in 4th grade, a girl named Elizabeth Perkins had cat-eye glasses with boogers smeared on the lenses. The kids at school would make fun of her. One day some girls were pushing her around and ready to beat her up. I came by at the right time and was able to stop it. From that point on none of the school kids bothered her again. In order to be safer at school, you needed to be a member of a gang for protection. I was a member of a gang but Elizabeth was a loner.
Anyway, back to my discussions with God! I expressed to God that I must have been born into the wrong family. I was nothing like them. I knew I was good but my environment was bad. On day, I had enough. I wanted to really do it. You know…suicide! I cried to God that I couldn’t exist in this world. It was just too hard to survive. I wanted it to end. I also discussed with God that I couldn’t understand why he wasn’t helping me and telling me what to do. I had poured my heart and soul to God everyday and talked with him 5-10 times on some days for 5-6 months. Still no answer…nothing! I started to have small doubts that maybe there wasn’t a God. How could a God allow terrible things to happen to a super great kid! I was walking home to a friend’s house from a job I had washing cars. (Note: when my girlfriend found out where I was sleeping, she told her mom. My friend’s mom really liked me and allowed me to stay at her house for awhile). Anyways, back to walking home. It was really hot, and I was crying uncontrollably, wanting to jump out in front of a car but I couldn’t do it! I didn’t know what to do. I was stuck. During this whole event, I continued to express my feelings to God. This time I didn’t end the prayer. I just kept on expressing my feelings. God was all I had, if there was one. Soon, I heard Heavenly Father say…Shelly, you need to go to Utah and visit your uncle. At that moment the feeling of suicide left. I immediately started the journey to finding my uncle in Utah. Do I have an uncle in Utah? I will share later how I found my uncle!
